Archives for posts with tag: Friends

Your phone rings, and your heart flutters.  On the other end of the line is yet another bill collector making a futile attempt at debt collection.  There was a time when your phone rang incessantly, and you spent countless hours mentoring, inspiring and championing those on the other end.  You bore the burdens for countless many.  But where are they now?  Your spirit yearns for even just a few words of encouragement, as your days have been dark, and your cares have been many.

The silence is deafening.  Your well has run dry, and the takers have moved on to fertile springs.  Many would look at your circumstances and pity you as the one who once was.  I challenge you to see your situation through different lens.

Many people have a disproportionate amount of takers in their lives—self absorbed narcissists who think only of themselves.  Oftentimes, takers align themselves with givers because givers are typically selfless and seldom place requirements on takers.  However, times of trials are perfect opportunities to reassess and re-equilibrate dysfunctional relationships.  It is a time to sift the givers from the takers.

Relationships should be reciprocal and edifying.  They should have additive value.  If the people in your life take disproportionately more than they give, move on!  Chances are, they probably aren’t your friend, at least not in the true sense of the word.  It is okay to say no.  It is okay to be protective of your mental and emotional stasis.   True friends understand that it’s not always about them.  They understand that you also have desires that need to be met and hurts that need to be nurtured.  True friends give as much as they take.  While giving and taking in healthy relationships might not always be in the same arenas, the actions ultimately balance out.  If you find that your needs are just not being met, it may be time to find some new friends.

Screenshot_2016-06-11-17-24-12-1.pngEvery now and then, I come across what I would call a social media gem.  The other day, I was scrolling through the pages of social media when I caught a glimpse of a quote that made me pause and take notice.  It read:

 

 

“STOP ADDING PEOPLE TO YOUR LIFE WITH THE SAME CHARACTERISTICS AS THE PEOPLE YOU ASKED GOD TO REMOVE.” Unknown.

 

I’m not quite sure who said it first, as many social media pages have posted the quote as their own.   Nonetheless, it struck a cord with me.

 

Relationships are as hard as people are imperfect.  We all have our ways—that thing about us that probably irks the life out of everyone else.  However, in order for us to have healthy, successful relationships, we have to be willing to overlook, and sometimes embrace, others’ shortcomings, just as we would expect them to embrace ours.  Relationships will never be equal, but they should be reciprocal.  In other words, there will be time when we give more than we receive, but it should balance out in the end.  We should strive to surround ourselves with people who replenish our cup, not deplete our well.

 

Many of us want great relationships, but, the truth is, many of our views on relationships have been skewed by our current dysfunctional relationships.  Some of us have become so accustomed to being in a position of lack that we don’t know how to ask for what we want and to receive what we deserve.  Oftentimes, the status quo becomes our new normal because we don’t know any better and because we have no measure against which to judge whether or not our current relationships are worthy investments.  Although I am no expert on the topic, however, below are a few pointers that I have picked up along the way:

 

  1. Know that when all else fails, God loves you, and He will NEVER forsake you.
  2. Know that you are worthy to be loved.
  3. Know that it’s okay to say, “I deserve better!”
  4. Learn to recognize when you are being taken for granted.
  5. Learn to recognize when you are being used.
  6. Observe the way the people in your life treat other people.
    1. This statement could go two ways:
      1. If the people in your life treat others badly, then, they will probably disregard you at some point.
      2. If the people in your life always put others before you, then they are probably taking your relationship for granted.
    2. Learn to be a friend.
    3. Learn to say no.
    4. Know that you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
    5. Don’t become a victim of faux loyalty and nostalgia.  Sometimes relationships were only meant to be seasonal.

 

Relationships take work.  They require effort.  People who value us and truly desire to be in relationship with us WILL put in the work.  If we are the ones who are always taking the initiative in our relationships, then we need to reevaluate and reposition those people in our lives.   We need to take note.  Are we the ones who are always calling, text or planning?  If we are, then we might want to evaluate whether value is being placed on our friendship—on us.  Sometimes, it’s better to be alone than to exhaust ourselves on toxic relationships.  The problem is many of us are creatures of habit.  Whenever we get rid of one bad seed in our lives, we often replace it with another of its kind.  At some point, we are the common denominator.  Ultimately, we have to realize that there is something that we are doing that enables and attracts these types of people and behaviors.  Again, we need to look at some of the pointers from above and remember that we deserve to be treated well.  We deserve to have genuine, honest relationships.